Jonathan Liebsman (Wrath of the Titans) directed this latest version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the story of four heroes in a half shell of a movie.
New York is being run amok by a new gang called the foot clan. While trying to get the scoop that'll finally put her on top, April O'Neil (Megan Fox, Transformers) witnesses four turtle vigilantes put a stop to one of their raids. In confronting them, they introduce themselves (in case you missed it from the title of the movie) very awkwardly as ninjas who are mutant turtles......oh, and they are teenagers, but they can still have adult conversations, says Mikey. Wink wink. That April is a fox. (See what I did there? Pretty bad, but still better than the writing in this movie.) Turns out that April's father was partners with Eric Sacks (William Fichtner, Drive Angry) in the lab that created these same turtles, along with their master Splinter. April goes to Sacks to find out about a project they were working on before her father died. Watch out April! Sacks is a bad man, and he's got a Japanese man, named Shredder, sitting in the shadows of a back room that he gives a giant CGI suit of oversized knives to in order to stop the turtles before they foil his plan for world domination. (I don't think that was much more spoilery than the trailers).
I'm not even sure where to begin with this. I guess I will start by saying that I am a fan of TMNT, from the 80's cartoon to the 1990 movie to the NES game and beyond, even as cheesy as some of that stuff is. So, I went into this movie wanting to like it. I really did. There are just too many things that didn't work. The story, for one. The biggest problem is the April O'Neil angle. Why does the one person who randomly is the first one to witness the turtles in action, out of ALL the people in New York, have to magically be directly linked to their origin. The writers were trying too hard to tie everything together, and that just called for too big of a coincidence. Also, in doing so, this movie became more of the April O'Neil story, with the turtles being more of a foot note. Speaking of footnotes, that's kind of what the reason is behind them actually being ninjas. Think Splinter has a cool back story like he did in the 1990 version? Nope, just found an old book in the sewers called The Art of Ninjitsu, and thought that would be cool to teach the turtles as a way to defend themselves.
That brings me to the turtles themselves. It's a wonder they need to be ninjas at all. They are each the size of a small car, and as witnessed in the first fight of the film, they can whip around barge crates with the greatest of ease. They're also bulletproof. All they need is brute force to take out the bad guys. Another thing that bothered me about the turtles was the get-ups. Maybe it's just because I'm used to the belt, the mask, and the weapon on each, that I though the rest of it was overkill in this movie. Leonardo is the leader, so he has a sort of samurai armor looking thing on. Donatello is the tech guy, so he is covered head to toe with electronics and nerdy glasses. Raphael is the loner badass, so he's got the full bandana and black sunglasses. Michelangelo is the fun-loving party dude, so he's decked out with puka shell necklaces and 80's sunglasses. I liked it better when writers thought that audiences were smart enough to figure out their personalities without the overstated visual hints.
The writing wasn't much better than the design for the turtles. They claimed to be teenagers, but I felt like they were written more like they were 8 or 9 year olds. Mikey was ruined as the party guy, as 90% of his dialogue was devoted to his feelings for April. I realize that it's nothing new to add this element of one or more of the turtles having a little crush on the hot reporter, but this was taken to a creepy, stalker-ish level. If they would have toned this down a little, then maybe the rest of his dialogue, that seemed more in character for him, would have resonated a little better. The rest of the turtles' dialogue wasn't written much better, either. The jokes all kind of felt a little flat. I never thought this phrase would come from me, but Megan Fox may have been the best performer in the movie. Some of the jokes and gags were actually direct callbacks to the 1990 movie (probably a few for the old cartoon show also, but didn't catch them). Usually when watching a remake, I can appreciate these nods to the original and still enjoy the current film. In this case, however, when they made a reference to the old film it just made me wish that's what I were watching instead.
I will give points to this movie for the CGI work. This is the age of bigger equals better, and this movie rolled with that. There is a scene where the main characters are careening down a snowy mountain while also still fighting the foot clan. Everyone miraculously comes out unscathed, but hey, it was kind of a fun scene to watch. The only place that the CGI was a problem for me was the final battle. I just didn't think that Shredder's armor looked that great.
There are two other little positive things I would like to mention. One is Will Arnett (The Lego Movie), who played April's cameraman, Vernon. His dialogue wasn't much better than anyone else's, but when isn't that guy fun to watch. The other is a scene to watch out for. There is an elevator scene that's only really about 30 seconds long, but such a fun scene. What is it with elevator scenes this year? Captain America had a great one too.
Like I said before, I love the turtles. So, it pained me to write such a negative review. It just wasn't that good. Other than a few fun scenes, most of my time spent watching this movie was spent wondering when it was going to end.
Rating: ***------- (3 out of 10)
Memorable Quote:
Michelangelo: MC Mikey!
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