Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Jonathan Liebsman (Wrath of the Titans) directed this latest version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the story of four heroes in a half shell of a movie.

New York is being run amok by a new gang called the foot clan.  While trying to get the scoop that'll finally put her on top, April O'Neil (Megan Fox, Transformers) witnesses four turtle vigilantes put a stop to one of their raids.  In confronting them, they introduce themselves (in case you missed it from the title of the movie) very awkwardly as ninjas who are mutant turtles......oh, and they are teenagers, but they can still have adult conversations, says Mikey.  Wink wink.  That April is a fox.  (See what I did there?  Pretty bad, but still better than the writing in this movie.)  Turns out that April's father was partners with Eric Sacks (William Fichtner, Drive Angry) in the lab that created these same turtles, along with their master Splinter.  April goes to Sacks to find out about a project they were working on before her father died.  Watch out April!  Sacks is a bad man, and he's got a Japanese man, named Shredder, sitting in the shadows of a back room that he gives a giant CGI suit of oversized knives to in order to stop the turtles before they foil his plan for world domination.  (I don't think that was much more spoilery than the trailers).

I'm not even sure where to begin with this.  I guess I will start by saying that I am a fan of TMNT, from the 80's cartoon to the 1990 movie to the NES game and beyond, even as cheesy as some of that stuff is.  So, I went into this movie wanting to like it.  I really did.  There are just too many things that didn't work.  The story, for one.  The biggest problem is the April O'Neil angle.  Why does the one person who randomly is the first one to witness the turtles in action, out of ALL the people in New York, have to magically be directly linked to their origin.  The writers were trying too hard to tie everything together, and that just called for too big of a coincidence.  Also, in doing so, this movie became more of the April O'Neil story, with the turtles being more of a foot note.  Speaking of footnotes, that's kind of what the reason is behind them actually being ninjas.  Think Splinter has a cool back story like he did in the 1990 version?  Nope, just found an old book in the sewers called The Art of Ninjitsu, and thought that would be cool to teach the turtles as a way to defend themselves.

That brings me to the turtles themselves.  It's a wonder they need to be ninjas at all.  They are each the size of a small car, and as witnessed in the first fight of the film, they can whip around barge crates with the greatest of ease.  They're also bulletproof.  All they need is brute force to take out the bad guys.  Another thing that bothered me about the turtles was the get-ups.  Maybe it's just because I'm used to the belt, the mask, and the weapon on each, that I though the rest of it was overkill in this movie.  Leonardo is the leader, so he has a sort of samurai armor looking thing on.  Donatello is the tech guy, so he is covered head to toe with electronics and nerdy glasses.  Raphael is the loner badass, so he's got the full bandana and black sunglasses.  Michelangelo is the fun-loving party dude, so he's decked out with puka shell necklaces and 80's sunglasses.  I liked it better when writers thought that audiences were smart enough to figure out their personalities without the overstated visual hints.

The writing wasn't much better than the design for the turtles.  They claimed to be teenagers, but I felt like they were written more like they were 8 or 9 year olds.  Mikey was ruined as the party guy, as 90% of his dialogue was devoted to his feelings for April.  I realize that it's nothing new to add this element of one or more of the turtles having a little crush on the hot reporter, but this was taken to a creepy, stalker-ish level. If they would have toned this down a little, then maybe the rest of his dialogue, that seemed more in character for him, would have resonated a little better.  The rest of the turtles' dialogue wasn't written much better, either.  The jokes all kind of felt a little flat.  I never thought this phrase would come from me, but Megan Fox may have been the best performer in the movie.  Some of the jokes and gags were actually direct callbacks to the 1990 movie (probably a few for the old cartoon show also, but didn't catch them).  Usually when watching a remake, I can appreciate these nods to the original and still enjoy the current film.  In this case, however, when they made a reference to the old film it just made me wish that's what I were watching instead.

I will give points to this movie for the CGI work.  This is the age of bigger equals better, and this movie rolled with that.  There is a scene where the main characters are careening down a snowy mountain while also still fighting the foot clan.  Everyone miraculously comes out unscathed, but hey, it was kind of a fun scene to watch.  The only place that the CGI was a problem for me was the final battle.  I just didn't think that Shredder's armor looked that great.

There are two other little positive things I would like to mention.  One is Will Arnett (The Lego Movie), who played April's cameraman, Vernon.  His dialogue wasn't much better than anyone else's, but when isn't that guy fun to watch.  The other is a scene to watch out for.  There is an elevator scene that's only really about 30 seconds long, but such a fun scene.  What is it with elevator scenes this year?  Captain America had a great one too.

Like I said before, I love the turtles.  So, it pained me to write such a negative review.  It just wasn't that good.  Other than a few fun scenes, most of my time spent watching this movie was spent wondering when it was going to end.

Rating: ***------- (3 out of 10)

Memorable Quote:

Michelangelo: MC Mikey!

Movie Review: Guardians of the Galaxy

James Gunn (Slither) helmed this next installment in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Guardians of the Galaxy, and it's another great success in my opinion.

The general audience may not know who the Guardians are, but watching this film they'll definitely be hooked on a feeling of complete joy.  The film starts off in 1988 with a small boy named Peter Quill.  After seeing his mother pass away, he runs off and is abducted by a spaceship.  Cut to present day and we find an adult Peter, played by Chris Pratt (The Lego Movie), hunting down this small orb for a buyer.  We find that in the last 26 years he has been raised and trained by a group of ravagers, essentially space pirates.  He tries to sell it on Xandar, the homeworld of the Nova Corp.  It turns out to be a powerful weapon that the Nova's enemies, the Kree, want to steal for themselves to destroy Xandar.  From there it becomes a fun romp through space with Quill (or as he likes to call himself, Star Lord), and the unlikely group of heroes he accumulates, fighting the good fight to save Xandar and the Nova Corp.

It's a pretty basic plot, but the real fun of the movie comes from getting to know the characters.  Peter Quill is a wise-ass womanizing space pirate.  Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista, Riddick) is the literal-minded, muscle-bound alien hell-bent on getting revenge on the Kree.  Gamora (Zoe Saldana, Star Trek), is the "daughter" of the Kree leader, Thanos, whom she incidentally hates.  Then there is the walking tree named Groot (Vin Diesel, Boiler Room) and his little partner Rocket (Bradley Cooper, Limitless), the space-raccoon (although don't call him that to his face) with an attitude.  This group doesn't even like each other to begin with, so the bickering just makes for a fun time as they get to know each other and start to realize that they need to work together.  The role of Quill seems like it was written just for Pratt.  I think it may be the best bit of Marvel casting since RDJ as Tony Stark.  Not knowing the characters ahead of time, I don't know if the part was adapted to him or if that really is the way the character is.  Either way, it was just a ton of fun to watch.  The others did just as well, especially Diesel who did voice-over for the CGI Groot and could only use a vocabulary of three words to get his point across by using different inflections of his voice.  There was also a lot of greatness in the supporting cast with the likes of Glenn Close, John C. Reilly, and Michael Rooker.  One of the standouts, however, was Lee Pace (Lincoln).  He played Ronan, the leader of the Kree army that was after the orb.  He dove so far into the role of the power hungry alien that I didn't even realize it was him until the credits rolled.

Besides the top-notch cast, this film has a lot else going for it.  There's a little something in it for everyone.  The dialog is one of the best things going for it.  This movie had me laughing throughout most of it.  The dialog was just really witty and sharp.  I am a huge fan of 80's movies and this film managed to work in a lot of 80's dialog and references.  It was not shoehorned in either.  It all made sense within the context of the film, since Peter Quill was abducted from earth in 1988.  That would mean all knowledge of Earth for him only goes up to the 80's.  In keeping with this trend, it also had the feel of an 80's action/adventure/comedy.  It's hard to describe.  It was like watching an old Indiana Jones, mixed with a little Ghostbusters, set in space.  I don't mean similar subject matter, but rather tone and feel.  Also, without shoehorning it in, but rather flowing it into the narrative, this film may have the best soundtrack since Almost Famous.  It has a soundtrack that just makes you want to get up and dance.  In fact, there's even some fun dance scenes in here that also seem like they have no place in film like this, but somehow work oh so well.

Well, after this whole love-fest for this fantastic movie, I do have to point out one or two minor things that did not work for me.  First, I was worried in the beginning about the dialog.  These are characters that, as I've said, the general public are not even going to know the names of.  Therefore, that's the one thing they did have to shoehorn in.  I thought the dialog when introducing a couple of the characters was a little hokey.  You'll give this a pass, once you realize that it is only to get the introductions out of the way, which is necessary.  The other thing is, I did not like the camera work for the heavy action scenes.  When there was too much action going on, the camera was all over the place.  It was also full of fast cuts.  Luckily there were not a lot of scenes like this, and when there was a little less heavy action it was perfectly acceptable.  It just seemed like when there was too much going on at one time the director and cameraman didn't know where they should be, so they tried to be everywhere at once.

Other than those small complaints, I highly recommend you go out and see this film.  It doesn't matter if you know these characters or not going in.  By the time you leave, you'll be hungry for more.  And in true 80's fashion they let you know you'll get more with the pre-credits title card telling you "Guardians of the Galaxy will be back".  Also, being a Marvel movie, there is a stinger after the credits.  I will tell you that it does not progress any storyline, but for anyone in their mid-30's like me, there's a fairly unexpected fun little cameo.  This movie has it all, action, adventure, comedy, dancing, and a killer soundtrack.  If you're looking for a fun time at the movies, this is your ticket.

Rating: *********- (9 out of 10)

Memorable Quote:

Gamora: We're just like Kevin Bacon!